I have decided that I will no longer give advice after today. I look back to my life when I was turning 21 and examine all of the advice that I received and realize that most of it is worthless. All the people giving you advice are doing it so that you can be happy. In doing this they are either advising you to do what they did, or to do the exact opposite. They are either happy or miserable. But none of these people know what will make you happy. In fact looking back on it the only advice I would have taken had I known better would have been from me.
I don't mean me then, I mean me now. The past me could have learned a lot from the future me. In fact if any of you run into a twenty seven year old me, ask him for a piece of advice. He probably won't give you any because unless he's changed a lot he's probably still a jackass, but at least try for me. If that doesn't happen at least let me give you some advice for a twenty one year old me, in case you ever see him. And he listens to you.
1) Embrace your weaknesses. They're called weaknesses because they make you weak.
2) Sing and dance like you are punishing the earth for not giving you any talent.
3) The easiest way to become something that you really want to be is to pretend that you already are.
4) There are plenty of things you are going to wish you didn't remember, it's only fitting for there to be things you can't remember that you wish you did.
5) Make completely irrational decisions without a moment of thought. Some of the best things that happen in life are accidents.
6) Only listen to people you are interested in. Apparently they think you like them if you do.
7) Tell lies about yourself. Even if people only believe 5 percent of them you'll believe just as many.
8) Keep secrets about yourself. Don't tell anyone. No one should know more about you than you do.
9) Vehemently deny things you know to be true. Get good at it. Rationalize impossible, probable and factual events of life in the same way. Also admit things most people wouldn't. People will have no idea what to think.
By the way for all of you that are turning 21, your twenty first birthday will be a great night. The next day is going to suck. It's because of the massive headache you have. Not only from all the alcohol in your head, but because of the tab I've been keeping from the time I turned twenty one until now. The tab is stapled to your forehead and now that you can both drive and buy beer you can drive to go get me beer.
10) Never apologize unless you really mean it. And you have to. And never be nicer than you have to be- save your energy. It might take less energy to smile then frown, but that blank stare you keep doesn't take any energy at all.
11) Write down all of your really good ideas, before you forget them.
12) Invent ridiculous games and then become the best at them.
13) You will have plenty of time in your life to do the boring things. Feel free to spend money, use gas and avoid sleep in the pursuit of happiness.
14) Keep your eyes open and take nothing for granted.
15) Never sell yourself short
16) Always hold something back- this way you never know what your limitations are.
17) Compartmentalize your life, it makes it much easier to stay organized.
18) Never explain yourself, but always have a reason for what you do.
19) Talk to yourself in second person when you know that people are listening.
20) Give bad advice to people you have influence over, it will teach them the ways of the world.
21) Feel free to ignore any advice you want to, from anyone that gives it to you. Beware of the "I told you so" that's coming from them in the future.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Why I'm Glad I Don't Have A Job To Get Up To Part 75
I have just watched the most interesting college basketball game that I have ever seen. I started watching at 11 and it is now 1:18 and there is still time left. I started watching with 10 minutes to go. In the second half. We are now in the 6th overtime, 1:15 left and with the Orange up 9 I now feel safe to write this. And then there’s a steal, and a three pointer. I’ll keep you posted.
And to think it almost never happened. With 1.1 seconds left Syracuse through the ball down the court and Debendorf through it at the basket and it went in. However in the only important controversial decision the referees had to make they got the call right, discounted the basket and started us on our odyssey. He, of course, celebrated by expending as much energy as possible. Bad call.
By the way I know nothing about the back story of this game, I know little about the players. Granted I know most of their names, but don’t expect me to get all the walk-ons right. Yes, there were walk-ons in this game. I also don’t promise you that these stats are correct. I’m not working for ESPN.
It’s over. Johnny Flynn played 67 minutes. He had 30-17-11-12-14 and just keep adding numbers onto that stat line. He lost his head band in the third over time. And he played 35 minutes last night/two nights ago in a win. He’s interviewing right now and apparently he has not lost the ability to talk and is talking faster than any man has spoken before.
Let’s recap- Syracuse 127- UCONN 117. 6 OT’s. 3 hours 46 minutes from tip to final buzzer. Matt Winer and Steve Levy started drinking around 12 because they needed the game to be over before they could get SportsCenter on the air.
In regulation ___ did a windmill dunk and in the third overtime he regretted it. UCONN’s best strategy was the fact that they couldn’t make foul shots. This was only good because Syracuse could not rebound. So foul, missed free throw, offensive rebound, foul, missed free throw… you get my point. This carried on until Thabeet fouled out and Uconn got too tired to jump.
The first five overtimes were very similar. Uconn would get a big lead, then Syracuse would storm back and tie it, never lead, but they would tie it. Usually right at the end. Then Uconn would miss a very close, sometimes very easy shot.
In the third over time Uconn got up 7, and still couldn’t figure out how to finish the game off. I’m pretty sure this is when the ref’s gave up and
In the fourth over time Thabeet fouled out. It took Syracuse four overtimes to get him his last foul. You would think that they would try a little harder to get him out. He is about 12 feet tall. He blocked a ton of shots. The Orange were pushing their teammates in front of them and handing them the ball so that they wouldn’t have to try a layup against the monster. There was one fast break where they were 3 vs Thabeet and they still screwed it up because they were so scared of him.
Harris, who had a great game for the Orange, developed a phobia of making layups. I could understand it when Thabeet was in, but after he fouled out this exceptional athlete still couldn’t make layups. He had them uncontested, he had them for the lead, for the tie, just for fun, and he couldn’t make them. Until the sixth overtime when he went up for a wide open dunk and jumped just high enough to slam the ball into the rim. The kind of dunk you see ninth graders and white kids try. The only good news for him was that he got the rebound, MADE the layup and got fouled. That was when I knew it was over.
In the fourth overtime Syracuse started to realize that only having 8 players was not such a great idea when you were playing in your fifth overtime. And I’m not talking about the fatigue setting in, although it was, I’m talking about attrition. When Huskies were fouling out left and right, they still had replacements. Maybe not so much at the end, but in the important parts they were fine. There third string center did remind me of a magi that lives in a cave, but still, he made a jump shot. The first sub they brought in who hadn’t played all night at least new to take his warm ups off, go to the middle and sub in. He had a little College Basketball experience. He just sat in the middle of the zone, caught and passed the ball, and tried not to screw up. My favorite player, Thomas, came into the game next. He decides that he needs to jump up and down and excite these men who have been playing since he woke up sometime in the second half. The only people jumping up and down are him and the people that have fouled out. Even the fans, who were there for the 7 pm game as well, are finally sitting down. Most of which are the college kids who made the run up to the Garden. Everyone thought the game earlier, where Nova won at the buzzer, was an exciting game.
This just in, Harris is on the mike thanking his strength and conditioning coach. Apparently post game interviews still happen at 1:54 am, even with tip off 19 hours away. Harris just said the game lasted so long because he missed that layup and Jim Boeheim asked him which one.
The reporters are now trying to come up with questions for the UCONN players, but it’s awkward. I’m waiting for, ‘So how do you feel?’ I’m pretty sure AJ Price would chuck his Nike through the reporter’s skull. Apparently it’s ok to tell Harris that he sucks, but complementing AJ is not a good idea right now.
In the sixth overtime Andy Rautinis decides that, ‘hey, I can make these three pointer things.’ He comes around screens and hits them, he shoots over people, he closes his eyes and eats a hotdog from the vendor while making them. And the Orange decide the game is over.
Bill Raftery and Jay Bilas look like they have been up waaay past their bed times. They have been here since noon calling four very tense games, chugging a Red Bull every ten minutes to keep awake, and then sprinting to the bathroom on TV timeouts.
In all due seriousness, this was one of the four longest games in NCAA history and the longest since the invention of the shot clock. Everyone fouled out, actually 8 players did. At one point Syracuse was shooting 37%. 93 free throws were attempted, Uconn was 23 of 54. They probably rebounded 16 of those. Now that my adrenaline has died down, I think I can fall asleep. This whole thing started because I was afraid to talk Melatonin again tonight, I hallucinated a little bit last night.
And to think it almost never happened. With 1.1 seconds left Syracuse through the ball down the court and Debendorf through it at the basket and it went in. However in the only important controversial decision the referees had to make they got the call right, discounted the basket and started us on our odyssey. He, of course, celebrated by expending as much energy as possible. Bad call.
By the way I know nothing about the back story of this game, I know little about the players. Granted I know most of their names, but don’t expect me to get all the walk-ons right. Yes, there were walk-ons in this game. I also don’t promise you that these stats are correct. I’m not working for ESPN.
It’s over. Johnny Flynn played 67 minutes. He had 30-17-11-12-14 and just keep adding numbers onto that stat line. He lost his head band in the third over time. And he played 35 minutes last night/two nights ago in a win. He’s interviewing right now and apparently he has not lost the ability to talk and is talking faster than any man has spoken before.
Let’s recap- Syracuse 127- UCONN 117. 6 OT’s. 3 hours 46 minutes from tip to final buzzer. Matt Winer and Steve Levy started drinking around 12 because they needed the game to be over before they could get SportsCenter on the air.
In regulation ___ did a windmill dunk and in the third overtime he regretted it. UCONN’s best strategy was the fact that they couldn’t make foul shots. This was only good because Syracuse could not rebound. So foul, missed free throw, offensive rebound, foul, missed free throw… you get my point. This carried on until Thabeet fouled out and Uconn got too tired to jump.
The first five overtimes were very similar. Uconn would get a big lead, then Syracuse would storm back and tie it, never lead, but they would tie it. Usually right at the end. Then Uconn would miss a very close, sometimes very easy shot.
In the third over time Uconn got up 7, and still couldn’t figure out how to finish the game off. I’m pretty sure this is when the ref’s gave up and
In the fourth over time Thabeet fouled out. It took Syracuse four overtimes to get him his last foul. You would think that they would try a little harder to get him out. He is about 12 feet tall. He blocked a ton of shots. The Orange were pushing their teammates in front of them and handing them the ball so that they wouldn’t have to try a layup against the monster. There was one fast break where they were 3 vs Thabeet and they still screwed it up because they were so scared of him.
Harris, who had a great game for the Orange, developed a phobia of making layups. I could understand it when Thabeet was in, but after he fouled out this exceptional athlete still couldn’t make layups. He had them uncontested, he had them for the lead, for the tie, just for fun, and he couldn’t make them. Until the sixth overtime when he went up for a wide open dunk and jumped just high enough to slam the ball into the rim. The kind of dunk you see ninth graders and white kids try. The only good news for him was that he got the rebound, MADE the layup and got fouled. That was when I knew it was over.
In the fourth overtime Syracuse started to realize that only having 8 players was not such a great idea when you were playing in your fifth overtime. And I’m not talking about the fatigue setting in, although it was, I’m talking about attrition. When Huskies were fouling out left and right, they still had replacements. Maybe not so much at the end, but in the important parts they were fine. There third string center did remind me of a magi that lives in a cave, but still, he made a jump shot. The first sub they brought in who hadn’t played all night at least new to take his warm ups off, go to the middle and sub in. He had a little College Basketball experience. He just sat in the middle of the zone, caught and passed the ball, and tried not to screw up. My favorite player, Thomas, came into the game next. He decides that he needs to jump up and down and excite these men who have been playing since he woke up sometime in the second half. The only people jumping up and down are him and the people that have fouled out. Even the fans, who were there for the 7 pm game as well, are finally sitting down. Most of which are the college kids who made the run up to the Garden. Everyone thought the game earlier, where Nova won at the buzzer, was an exciting game.
This just in, Harris is on the mike thanking his strength and conditioning coach. Apparently post game interviews still happen at 1:54 am, even with tip off 19 hours away. Harris just said the game lasted so long because he missed that layup and Jim Boeheim asked him which one.
The reporters are now trying to come up with questions for the UCONN players, but it’s awkward. I’m waiting for, ‘So how do you feel?’ I’m pretty sure AJ Price would chuck his Nike through the reporter’s skull. Apparently it’s ok to tell Harris that he sucks, but complementing AJ is not a good idea right now.
In the sixth overtime Andy Rautinis decides that, ‘hey, I can make these three pointer things.’ He comes around screens and hits them, he shoots over people, he closes his eyes and eats a hotdog from the vendor while making them. And the Orange decide the game is over.
Bill Raftery and Jay Bilas look like they have been up waaay past their bed times. They have been here since noon calling four very tense games, chugging a Red Bull every ten minutes to keep awake, and then sprinting to the bathroom on TV timeouts.
In all due seriousness, this was one of the four longest games in NCAA history and the longest since the invention of the shot clock. Everyone fouled out, actually 8 players did. At one point Syracuse was shooting 37%. 93 free throws were attempted, Uconn was 23 of 54. They probably rebounded 16 of those. Now that my adrenaline has died down, I think I can fall asleep. This whole thing started because I was afraid to talk Melatonin again tonight, I hallucinated a little bit last night.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
A more calm approach to writing an entry
Okay, so the game is over and I still want to rant a little bit. It's my blog and I shall do as I please, and if you don't like it, then stop reading it. (Actually don't stop reading it, my membership is secretly growing. It's like word-of-mouth, but the mouth has a rag filled with Chloroform pressed over it.) I promise that I have calmed down from my previous euphoria and can now adequately write a more appropriate entry.
I have always been superstitious. I have cheered for teams throughout my life, and when I cheer for them hard I cheer in very superstitious ways. As you may know I rooted for the Diamondbacks in 2001. I was a huge Randy Johnson fan. I wore my Diamondbacks hat around for most of the playoffs and during all of the games. It started to smell so I traded it for the away cap. No dice, they lost three in a row. And that gave birth to the smelly, superstitious sports fan.
Eight years later I am just as bad, if not worse. I root for Chelsea in the EPL, and after watching them lose a game they had no business losing (Arsenal at home) I realized that they hadn't won a single game that I had watched since March. That was a six month dry spell. I haven't watched them since. (I'm still waiting for that one to start working).
Now my worst superstitions come when I watch the Tarheels. I hate watching with other people (mostly because I like yelling at the TV), I can't do anything else while I'm watching the game or they will get jealous and not play as well, and I have to sit in one place during the first half and not move or they will think I'm abandoning them.
Before you have the nerve to call me crazy let me bring your attention to 1200 members of one of our nation's elite academic colleges. They painted their faces and jumped up and down in a pit of B.O. and ugly women. They waited in tents for months for this privilege, one even catching a very well documented case of the plague (or something like that). And their teams lost. How stupid do they have to feel.
And these are our future leaders for tomorrow.
Where was I? It gets weirder in the second half. I have four options 1) If Carolina is coasting I stay where I am and watch the game out until the white guys at the end of the bench come in, and then I usually leave 2) If Carolina is down or not playing well, I switch TV's. I will run upstairs or downstairs or to a bar or to a gym or anywhere with a TV as long as I switch where I am sitting 3) I can start drinking (this is usually not a good sign for the Tarheels) and 4) I can get on my stationary bike (if I'm not already on it).
The stationary bike is a good way to work out while you are watching college basketball. There are usually only TV time outs every four minutes so you get a nice little workout. But I wasn't on there for my workout in the second half. When I peddled harder the Heels played better. When I slowed down, they laxed. I managed to peddle my way to a 57 point second half. I peddled so hard that Tyler Hansbrough hit a desperation three with the shot clock winding down. I peddled so hard that John Shyer, who misses free throws as often I go to work, missed one. I know the Heels are good, but I would like to take credit for this win. That 14-0 run, that was me.
I think it's healthy to root for a team this hard. It gives me something to do twice a week in the winter. It lets me last until spring. I think everyone should root for some team this much.
So moral of the story: I'm spent, sweaty, smelly, superstitious and smiling all because of a bike ride in the second half that sparked my boys to a win.
I have always been superstitious. I have cheered for teams throughout my life, and when I cheer for them hard I cheer in very superstitious ways. As you may know I rooted for the Diamondbacks in 2001. I was a huge Randy Johnson fan. I wore my Diamondbacks hat around for most of the playoffs and during all of the games. It started to smell so I traded it for the away cap. No dice, they lost three in a row. And that gave birth to the smelly, superstitious sports fan.
Eight years later I am just as bad, if not worse. I root for Chelsea in the EPL, and after watching them lose a game they had no business losing (Arsenal at home) I realized that they hadn't won a single game that I had watched since March. That was a six month dry spell. I haven't watched them since. (I'm still waiting for that one to start working).
Now my worst superstitions come when I watch the Tarheels. I hate watching with other people (mostly because I like yelling at the TV), I can't do anything else while I'm watching the game or they will get jealous and not play as well, and I have to sit in one place during the first half and not move or they will think I'm abandoning them.
Before you have the nerve to call me crazy let me bring your attention to 1200 members of one of our nation's elite academic colleges. They painted their faces and jumped up and down in a pit of B.O. and ugly women. They waited in tents for months for this privilege, one even catching a very well documented case of the plague (or something like that). And their teams lost. How stupid do they have to feel.
And these are our future leaders for tomorrow.
Where was I? It gets weirder in the second half. I have four options 1) If Carolina is coasting I stay where I am and watch the game out until the white guys at the end of the bench come in, and then I usually leave 2) If Carolina is down or not playing well, I switch TV's. I will run upstairs or downstairs or to a bar or to a gym or anywhere with a TV as long as I switch where I am sitting 3) I can start drinking (this is usually not a good sign for the Tarheels) and 4) I can get on my stationary bike (if I'm not already on it).
The stationary bike is a good way to work out while you are watching college basketball. There are usually only TV time outs every four minutes so you get a nice little workout. But I wasn't on there for my workout in the second half. When I peddled harder the Heels played better. When I slowed down, they laxed. I managed to peddle my way to a 57 point second half. I peddled so hard that Tyler Hansbrough hit a desperation three with the shot clock winding down. I peddled so hard that John Shyer, who misses free throws as often I go to work, missed one. I know the Heels are good, but I would like to take credit for this win. That 14-0 run, that was me.
I think it's healthy to root for a team this hard. It gives me something to do twice a week in the winter. It lets me last until spring. I think everyone should root for some team this much.
So moral of the story: I'm spent, sweaty, smelly, superstitious and smiling all because of a bike ride in the second half that sparked my boys to a win.
7 degrees
I hate Duke. Here are 7 degrees of my hatred.
1) Much like Tom Cruise in Valkary, if Duke played the Nazi basketball team, I would root against Duke.
2) I've been watching the Duke-Carolina ESPN Classic games all week. I only watch the ones where Carolina wins, and I'm sitting here as we speak watching a game where I know who wins and I know every detail about the game, but I'm still yelling at the TV.
3) http://www.cbssports.com/collegebasketball/story/11366542 I'm pretty sure the meningitis was my fault.
4) No matter how awful Christian Laetner, Bobby Hurley, Wojo, Trajon Langdon, Jay Williams, and pretty much every other Duke player is in the NBA or on a coaching bench, I still find the energy to hate them.
5) If the United States came up with technology to create a black hole, and wanted to make one somewhere to get rid of trash I would be willing to put it about 8 or 9 miles northeast of Chapel Hill.
6) I thought about rooting for Australia at the Olympics just so Coach K wouldn't get a medal.
7) Ask me if I would rather star for the Tarheels in the national championship game against Duke or go to my own wedding, Ask me.
1) Much like Tom Cruise in Valkary, if Duke played the Nazi basketball team, I would root against Duke.
2) I've been watching the Duke-Carolina ESPN Classic games all week. I only watch the ones where Carolina wins, and I'm sitting here as we speak watching a game where I know who wins and I know every detail about the game, but I'm still yelling at the TV.
3) http://www.cbssports.com/collegebasketball/story/11366542 I'm pretty sure the meningitis was my fault.
4) No matter how awful Christian Laetner, Bobby Hurley, Wojo, Trajon Langdon, Jay Williams, and pretty much every other Duke player is in the NBA or on a coaching bench, I still find the energy to hate them.
5) If the United States came up with technology to create a black hole, and wanted to make one somewhere to get rid of trash I would be willing to put it about 8 or 9 miles northeast of Chapel Hill.
6) I thought about rooting for Australia at the Olympics just so Coach K wouldn't get a medal.
7) Ask me if I would rather star for the Tarheels in the national championship game against Duke or go to my own wedding, Ask me.
Monday, February 9, 2009
Jurisdiction
I've been taking a lot of online courses over the last few weeks, and have subsequently been watching a lot of TV. I've been specializing in CSI:NY, NCIS, and all three Law and Orders.
(On a somewhat interesting note, one of the chapters in a course that I was taking taught how to deal with people of my generation. Apparently one of our characteristics is that we work better with technology not only at our hands, but in the background as well. That's why I can sit here, write, watch TV and take my course all at the same time.)
Anyway, here's a theoretical for you: there's a triple homicide in Time's Square. One of them is a marine, one of them is a cross dresser, and one of them is joe-shmow (personal friend of mine). They are all hacked to death with a chain saw, but the marine shows signs of being raped. They also all have blue lips and dialated pupils, which means that they might also be poisoned. Who gets to take the case?
If NCIS was set in New York they would have priority on the marine. Law and Order SVU would have precedent on the sexual assault and the cross dresser, Law and Order CI would take precedence become of the organized crime feel to the scene, CSI would want a look because of the unusual crime scene, and the original Law and Order would have a case because the murder takes place in Time's Square. All of them would want complete jurisdiction because this is obviously one crime.
Jurisdiction has always been a theme on each one of these shows. Whether it's with a different state, or a different Department of the United States Government (FBI), there are arguments on just about every show either started by the law enforcement or the perp. Sometimes the main agency wants someone else's case and sometimes someone else wants theirs.
But what if we just had one big show? What if all the big name actors got together to solve one crime. Here's how I want it to play out. By the way, since I get to make this up as I go I reserve the rights to use historical characters as well.
The opening scene is Time's Square in the middle of the night. Let's make it New Years eve with the ball dropping. We see a party and there's a lot of dancing, drinking and making out. We see all three future victims dancing with different people respectively. Then we flash forward to the next morning and each one is shown murdered. Green and Briscoe are the first ones on the scene. They talk to the detectives who are processing the scene and we see Flack come up and brief them. Detective Messer and Monroe are processing the scene. Somehow the scene ends with Briscoe saying something cheeky and clever.
I really do have to finish my class, but here's how this would play out. I feel like CSI would be the most cooperative. They would probably get the scene and figure out what kind of chainsaw it is, and that the blue lips are because they ate blue cotton candy. NCSI would somehow get to do the autopsies and find the weapon. SVU would start beating up people and find a link through a link and CI would just be creepy and intimidating. In the end CI would break the case and there would be some dramatic shootout where everyone would be shooting at the bad guys and eventually the good guys win.
I know- not the most creative writing, and fairly vague. You can write your own though. Tomorrow degrees of hatred for Duke.
(On a somewhat interesting note, one of the chapters in a course that I was taking taught how to deal with people of my generation. Apparently one of our characteristics is that we work better with technology not only at our hands, but in the background as well. That's why I can sit here, write, watch TV and take my course all at the same time.)
Anyway, here's a theoretical for you: there's a triple homicide in Time's Square. One of them is a marine, one of them is a cross dresser, and one of them is joe-shmow (personal friend of mine). They are all hacked to death with a chain saw, but the marine shows signs of being raped. They also all have blue lips and dialated pupils, which means that they might also be poisoned. Who gets to take the case?
If NCIS was set in New York they would have priority on the marine. Law and Order SVU would have precedent on the sexual assault and the cross dresser, Law and Order CI would take precedence become of the organized crime feel to the scene, CSI would want a look because of the unusual crime scene, and the original Law and Order would have a case because the murder takes place in Time's Square. All of them would want complete jurisdiction because this is obviously one crime.
Jurisdiction has always been a theme on each one of these shows. Whether it's with a different state, or a different Department of the United States Government (FBI), there are arguments on just about every show either started by the law enforcement or the perp. Sometimes the main agency wants someone else's case and sometimes someone else wants theirs.
But what if we just had one big show? What if all the big name actors got together to solve one crime. Here's how I want it to play out. By the way, since I get to make this up as I go I reserve the rights to use historical characters as well.
The opening scene is Time's Square in the middle of the night. Let's make it New Years eve with the ball dropping. We see a party and there's a lot of dancing, drinking and making out. We see all three future victims dancing with different people respectively. Then we flash forward to the next morning and each one is shown murdered. Green and Briscoe are the first ones on the scene. They talk to the detectives who are processing the scene and we see Flack come up and brief them. Detective Messer and Monroe are processing the scene. Somehow the scene ends with Briscoe saying something cheeky and clever.
I really do have to finish my class, but here's how this would play out. I feel like CSI would be the most cooperative. They would probably get the scene and figure out what kind of chainsaw it is, and that the blue lips are because they ate blue cotton candy. NCSI would somehow get to do the autopsies and find the weapon. SVU would start beating up people and find a link through a link and CI would just be creepy and intimidating. In the end CI would break the case and there would be some dramatic shootout where everyone would be shooting at the bad guys and eventually the good guys win.
I know- not the most creative writing, and fairly vague. You can write your own though. Tomorrow degrees of hatred for Duke.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Cut Backing
Before we get into this anymore than we already have let me just say that I haven't showered on shaved since this weekend.
Moving on...
So I know people are cutting back. But just how far are they taking it, and is it going too far? We are going to dip into some of my philosophies on life.
Are people cutting back on hygiene? I don't just mean showers and shaving (although increased body stench leading to global warming is a reasonable explanation in my book), I mean hair cuts, pedicures, manicures, facials, spas. Are people not as well kept as they were at this time last year?
Is there any chance that we can all get together, I'm free next Monday, and decide what we are cutting back on? I propose McDonald's, smut mags, TV channels that no one watches, bad ideas, certain food groups, mediocre movies, most trendy music, cell phones, and road construction.
There are certain things that no one will ever agree to cut back on. There will always be a booming alcohol, porn, gambling and sports industry. No matter what they tell you these will not suffer (unless Mormons take over or we come up with something better). People will always drink when they are depressed, and alcohol being a depressant, people will drink more and more. Porn will always be around, as will gambling. Porn being part of the oldest profession that has lasted through Bubonic plagues, depressions, religions and everything else. Gambling being a way out of economic depression and sports being a great aid to gamblers everywhere.
The scary thing would be if a sports franchise relocated to Las Vegas, there games would be little slices of economic turn down heaven.
There are two things that humans should never cut back on- and these are books and ham sandwiches. I'll start with ham.
If we stop eating meat, what the hell are we going to do with all the cows, chickens, pigs and anything else that you want to eat? Are we going to let them loose? Should we just let them live on their own? I have read animal farm, and I will not let that happen!
The same goes with books. We cannot keep this move to electronic everything going. Electronic documents, books, manuals- what are we going to print? We are going to let the trees take over. I have seen Lord of the Rings, we cannot empower the trees, they will come after us. Sure we might be able to breath better, but what's going to happen when they get over crowded?- They're going to spread out. And where are they going to spread to?- Your house. That's right, read 'em or live with 'em.
So with all these questions about what we can, can't, shouldn't and should cut back on someone needs to step up and become the Secretary of Cutbacking...
Since no one stood up when I wrote that I will volunteer myself. All of you are invited to the first meeting of (I haven't come up with the acronym yet, but I'm pretty sure that it will be something derogatory) Monday morning (1:30 PM) in my basement. Until then keep petitioning your representative for the CCC to come back.
Moving on...
So I know people are cutting back. But just how far are they taking it, and is it going too far? We are going to dip into some of my philosophies on life.
Are people cutting back on hygiene? I don't just mean showers and shaving (although increased body stench leading to global warming is a reasonable explanation in my book), I mean hair cuts, pedicures, manicures, facials, spas. Are people not as well kept as they were at this time last year?
Is there any chance that we can all get together, I'm free next Monday, and decide what we are cutting back on? I propose McDonald's, smut mags, TV channels that no one watches, bad ideas, certain food groups, mediocre movies, most trendy music, cell phones, and road construction.
There are certain things that no one will ever agree to cut back on. There will always be a booming alcohol, porn, gambling and sports industry. No matter what they tell you these will not suffer (unless Mormons take over or we come up with something better). People will always drink when they are depressed, and alcohol being a depressant, people will drink more and more. Porn will always be around, as will gambling. Porn being part of the oldest profession that has lasted through Bubonic plagues, depressions, religions and everything else. Gambling being a way out of economic depression and sports being a great aid to gamblers everywhere.
The scary thing would be if a sports franchise relocated to Las Vegas, there games would be little slices of economic turn down heaven.
There are two things that humans should never cut back on- and these are books and ham sandwiches. I'll start with ham.
If we stop eating meat, what the hell are we going to do with all the cows, chickens, pigs and anything else that you want to eat? Are we going to let them loose? Should we just let them live on their own? I have read animal farm, and I will not let that happen!
The same goes with books. We cannot keep this move to electronic everything going. Electronic documents, books, manuals- what are we going to print? We are going to let the trees take over. I have seen Lord of the Rings, we cannot empower the trees, they will come after us. Sure we might be able to breath better, but what's going to happen when they get over crowded?- They're going to spread out. And where are they going to spread to?- Your house. That's right, read 'em or live with 'em.
So with all these questions about what we can, can't, shouldn't and should cut back on someone needs to step up and become the Secretary of Cutbacking...
Since no one stood up when I wrote that I will volunteer myself. All of you are invited to the first meeting of (I haven't come up with the acronym yet, but I'm pretty sure that it will be something derogatory) Monday morning (1:30 PM) in my basement. Until then keep petitioning your representative for the CCC to come back.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Mediocrity
I had a harm time debating whether to write about how George Bush's farewell address reminded me of a girl and guy breaking off a relationship that neither of us wanted to be in. In fact we've both been cheating on each other since August, we just couldn't get ourselves to end it.
But this week I have to salute Major League Baseball for the best thing that they have done in years. MLB network shows a classic game every day in the afternoon. Today I'm watching the 1991 Cubs-Pirates classic which ended 13-12. With a little help from my friends at Baseball-Almanac.com I can tell you that Greg Maddox, Ryan Sandberg, Rick Sutcliffe, Shawon Dunston, Andre Dawson, Barry Bonds, Bobby Bonilla, Joe Girardi, Jay Bell, Mark Grace and Andy Van Slyke are all on the rosters with coaching staffs that include Don Zimmer, "The Rabbit" Ray Miller and Jim Leyland.
Every game seems to give you a few sure fire HOFers, a few coaches that you've heard of or are still around, and the subject of my tribute today The Mediocres. These are players that will never be very good. If they make an All-Star game it is a complete accident. If they win a World Series it won't be their fault.
These are the players that seem to stick around forever, play on a ton of teams and somehow leave a lasting impression in your mind. They might have been young once, with a lot of potential. They may have had the ability to hit .270-.300 and never demanded a lot of salary. They may have been an ex-superstar who ended up injury plagued. From this game I can give you examples of each of these.
Bobby Bonilla came up and was a young corner outfielder for the Pirates. He was supposed to team up with Barry and would have been the franchise. But Barry left and the Pirates figured out that Bobby wasn't all that good. He started in two All-Star games early in his career. He won a World Series in 1997 with the Marlins, both of which were accidents. He played on 8 teams (one twice) in 16 years. He led the league in extra base hits once, games played once and sacrifice flies twice. He led the league in salary three consecutive years. He pitched an inning in his last season and ended his career with an 18.00 era and a balk. Go figure.
Mark Grace had a sweet stroke and never made more than 5.3 million, hit fairly well, but never led the league. Hit no more that 16 home runs. Played in three All-Star games, but never started. Played and won a World Series.
Andy Van Slyke used to be really good, a rising star, and then he got hurt and was sequestered to mediocrity the rest of his career.
My favorite of the Mediocres are the ones that are instilled in your mind because of an event they had a part in. Brady Anderson striking out before Cal Ripken got a chance to win the game in his last at bat ever. Jay Bell jumping into Matt Williams arms to win the 2001 World Series. There are a million of these incidents.
The best thing about the MLB is that they don't really have good footage of any game before 1988, which means that most of their classics are from either the World Series or games that would have people in them that I know.
I understand that unless you are a baseball fan then you probably don't care. So I will get around to writing about our broken relationship with the Prez, don't worry.
But this week I have to salute Major League Baseball for the best thing that they have done in years. MLB network shows a classic game every day in the afternoon. Today I'm watching the 1991 Cubs-Pirates classic which ended 13-12. With a little help from my friends at Baseball-Almanac.com I can tell you that Greg Maddox, Ryan Sandberg, Rick Sutcliffe, Shawon Dunston, Andre Dawson, Barry Bonds, Bobby Bonilla, Joe Girardi, Jay Bell, Mark Grace and Andy Van Slyke are all on the rosters with coaching staffs that include Don Zimmer, "The Rabbit" Ray Miller and Jim Leyland.
Every game seems to give you a few sure fire HOFers, a few coaches that you've heard of or are still around, and the subject of my tribute today The Mediocres. These are players that will never be very good. If they make an All-Star game it is a complete accident. If they win a World Series it won't be their fault.
These are the players that seem to stick around forever, play on a ton of teams and somehow leave a lasting impression in your mind. They might have been young once, with a lot of potential. They may have had the ability to hit .270-.300 and never demanded a lot of salary. They may have been an ex-superstar who ended up injury plagued. From this game I can give you examples of each of these.
Bobby Bonilla came up and was a young corner outfielder for the Pirates. He was supposed to team up with Barry and would have been the franchise. But Barry left and the Pirates figured out that Bobby wasn't all that good. He started in two All-Star games early in his career. He won a World Series in 1997 with the Marlins, both of which were accidents. He played on 8 teams (one twice) in 16 years. He led the league in extra base hits once, games played once and sacrifice flies twice. He led the league in salary three consecutive years. He pitched an inning in his last season and ended his career with an 18.00 era and a balk. Go figure.
Mark Grace had a sweet stroke and never made more than 5.3 million, hit fairly well, but never led the league. Hit no more that 16 home runs. Played in three All-Star games, but never started. Played and won a World Series.
Andy Van Slyke used to be really good, a rising star, and then he got hurt and was sequestered to mediocrity the rest of his career.
My favorite of the Mediocres are the ones that are instilled in your mind because of an event they had a part in. Brady Anderson striking out before Cal Ripken got a chance to win the game in his last at bat ever. Jay Bell jumping into Matt Williams arms to win the 2001 World Series. There are a million of these incidents.
The best thing about the MLB is that they don't really have good footage of any game before 1988, which means that most of their classics are from either the World Series or games that would have people in them that I know.
I understand that unless you are a baseball fan then you probably don't care. So I will get around to writing about our broken relationship with the Prez, don't worry.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
My (Democratic) Solution to the BCS
I think just about no one will agree with my solution without an explanation, or even with one, so here it is. I am tired of talks about a college football playoff system. It won't happen without Barrack Obama stepping in, and I don't think he's going to have the time to do that for a few years. (Yes I admit I would rather have him work on improving the job market so that I don't have nearly as much time to watch football.)
So instead of letting a certain number of voters vote, or plugging everyone into a computer- let's let America decide. The first two systems are inherently flawed by human bias, so why not allow everyone to share their biased opinions.
Oh, and instead of a popular vote I want to use the electoral college. If it's good enough to pick the President of the United States of America, I think it just might be good enough to pick the college football champion.
Yes I know it's biased, but it's not nearly as biased as you think it might be. Anyone wanting to stuff the ballot would only be able to do so in their own state (unless they take a road trip, but if they want it that bad I am prepared to give it to them). My system doesn't favor bigger schools with bigger budgets who play in bigger conferences. It doesn't matter if you've won your last 11 after losing your first, or vice-versa. All that matters is that you get on the ballot. To do that you have to 1) Go undefeated or 2) Win your important BCS bowl game or 3) Play in the National Championship game. I'm going to use ESPN's poll of the Sports Nation (yes that is a real thing) as my source for determining the winner.
Right now five teams are in the poll- USC, Florida, Oklahoma, Utah and Texas. The great thing about this poll is that it has the state by state breakdown. So USC will get California, Florida will get the SEC, Texas will get Texas and the Big XII south, Oklahoma gets the Big XII North, Utah gets Utah and points north, and who knows who gets the rest. Campaigning in New England and the Great Lakes will determine who wins my national championship this year.
As of when I decided to write this USC was winning with 233 electoral votes. Florida was next with 133 and Utah was Ralph Nader with their 73 votes. Texas had 34 and Oklahoma had 29. There were around 200,000 votes in. Since we've gone to print Maine and Minnesota have changed to undecided.
At press time I called Bananas the Bear (if you didn't know, he is the mascot of the U of Maine football team) and he agreed to be delegate for his state. At the time that I asked him he said that he would support splitting Maine's four votes, giving 2 to Florida and 1 each to Utah and USC. Herbie the Husker said that all 5 of his votes were going to Oklahoma.
Right now USC is sitting pretty with one hundred more votes than the next team. However they have slim leads in New York, Illinois, South Dakota, Delaware and Ohio. That's 78 votes they could drop right there. The only bad news for Trojan haters out there is that Florida is behind in half of them and Utah is behind in the other half- so even if the Trojans do drop points, no one will pick up enough of them.
The most votes that Utah could end up with realistically is 147, USC would still have 155. So unless something weird happens, like USC dropping all of its contested states and Florida picking up all of the undecideds and New York, USC will take home my first ever electoral college championship. The Sports Nation has spoken.
If you aren't interested in the political science aspect of this turn around now. Take the blue pill and wake up in your nice cozy bed.
While campaigning for President both sides had a pretty good idea of which states were going to be swing states well before the election. Usually the Great Lakes- Pennsylvania, Ohio, Michigan- that sort of deal. However with five possible teams in the poll, the swing states won't be determined until after the poll is set, which is immediately before the voting.
This year there are two Big XII teams, a Pac 10 team, an SEC team and Utah. Since most things in college are split down conference lines it should be safe to assume that the Pac 10 states will go with their team, the SEC with theirs, and the Mountain West with Utah. The Big XII split up North and South, which unfortunately for Texas means that they only got the South (Texas), while Oklahoma got all points north.
Keeping the focus on conferences we will notice the lack of a Big Ten team. That puts the Big Ten states on swing alert. They may not all vote together since they don't have one of their own to root for. Penn State, having just lost to USC, may want to see the team they lost to be national champions. Ohio State may vote for Texas for the same reason. Or they might just vote for Utah to spice things up a bit.
New England, for the most part, will always be swing. There is no, sorry Bananas, good college football in New England on a regular basis. So New York, Massachusetts and New Jersey will pretty much always be up for grabs.
So while Florida controls the South, and in a Presidential election that will always keep you close, they are still at a distinct advantage. The SEC and the ACC overlap- and while the ACC will never be a football conference like the SEC will, they could still steal votes. What if the ACC has Miami or Florida State and the SEC has Tennessee or South Carolina? The ACC team could steal those votes.
Lets look back to some of the past races that would have happened. Last year the poll would have had six teams in it- LSU, USC, Georgia, Ohio State, West Virginia, and Missouri. This poll would have been a little closer, Missouri would have had 63 Big 12 votes, USC would have had the 83 Pac Ten votes, and other than that...? LSU and Georgia would have fought over the SEC, West Virginia might have gotten Big East votes (do those exist), and Ohio State may or may not have gotten Michigan votes (would they really vote for the Buckeye's in Anne Arbor?)
Breaking it down based on votes this year, and conference line votes here is how I think it might have ended up- USC would have 120 votes, LSU 97, Georgia 77, Ohio St. 96, West Virginia 48, Missouri 80, and I didn't give out 21 votes. These tallies assume that I split up the SEC correctly, I gave Florida's 27 votes to Georgia.
Let's take a team out of the poll. Any team. If you take out Georgia, LSU gets 74 more votes and wins the poll fairly easily. Take out West Virginia and Georgia gets 13 more while 35 votes become harded to decide. Take out Ohio St. or USC and you have a whole different map, with the Great Lakes and Pacific up for grabs. This year if we take out Utah, Oklahoma or Texas the game changes.
By the way apparently the Sport's Nation does not have a Twenty-Third Amendment, so DC's 3 votes get lumped in with Maryland's.
Looking along conference lines the Pac 10 controls 83 votes, the SEC 90, the Big XII 79, the Big 10 117, the ACC 102 and the Big East 134. Go figure. There is overlap in each conference except for the Pac 10. Three conferences claim Florida. The biggest state not taken by a conference only has 5 votes.
There are so many variables to my system that it would be difficult to guess the winner before the election. Currently USC has the most votes in a popular election, but only by 1 percentage point over Florida. They are up by 100 electoral votes.
I admit that my system is not the most fair, but it might be the most interesting. And since we're leaving it up to chance anyway with the polls that I have no say over counting into a computer system that I did not invent, we might as well let the Sports Nation decide.
If there are updates in the races I will add them on as comments.
Monday, January 5, 2009
The Antonymous Relationship of Hapless and Hopeless
I woke up on New Year's Day and promptly went back to sleep. When I got up a second time though, it was about 11am and I felt different. I know people generally don't feel different when they are 22 years 364 days old as apposed to when they are 23, and I know that New Year's Eve and New Years Day ought to feel just about the same, but this year it didn't.
I don't know if there was hope brewing in me, or if I had just enjoyed my hotel room, but I felt different walking around Baltimore on New Year's Day. And then I realized that it was 1 and Alex Pyzik had been sitting in a couch watching sports for two hours. He was competing in the ESPNZone Couch Potato Competition. All he had to do was sit in a chair and watch sports longer than three other individuals and he would win a gluttony of prizes.
Since we've graduated, and I mean a collective 'we', I know only two people that like what they do for a living. Others are fine doing what they are doing but want to move on. They are suffering through their jobs in order to get better ones, or to get grad school paid for. Those of us without real jobs are scrapping by, substitute teaching, working at bars, doing what we can to last out this economy.
But as I enter my fourth month of job hunting I realize that their is little hope. Not much has changed, there still aren't a lot of jobs to be had. Some of my friends are giving up and going back to school.
But as Pyzik was sitting there in that chair, he was sitting there with a part of me. He was the part of me that didn't need a job, didn't need a different way to validate myself, just needed to sit in a chair and watch sports to be famous.
I was rooting for him, but as you can probably guess it's hard to root for a guy sitting in a chair. It's not like rooting for any sports team or person that you can imagine. I couldn't watch him, I couldn't tune into SportsCenter for my 11 pm update. But I could get text messages.
So on the night of the first I went home and recovered from the previous evening. It was around 11 when I got the text that Pyzik was still going. My symbol of hope had lasted 12 hours in the chair so far. He was showing the type of resilience that I would need for the next few months to find a job.
On the night of the second I went to visit my girlfriend and then went out. Pyzik was still sitting in that chair. The next night I went to a birthday party for one of my lovely ladies, and Pyzik was still sitting in that chair. It was two in the morning, and I got the message that he was five hours away from the world record.
That was my boy, five hours from the world record. Five hours later he would set it and win the championship. After that he was hopeless again, Pyzik is a Religious Studies Major, and other than his current job has nothing in the horizon. He jumped back into the big pot with the rest of us. But in the mean time he was a hero.
Which brings me to my original thesis. We as a generation are hopeless, but we are not hapless. We have ability, we just need a job, a way to prove ourselves. We are qualified, if not over qualified for most jobs, but those jobs don't exist. We are not lucky, we are not betting on ourselves. We know the truth, we know the situation, but we don't care.
Pyzik was us, protesting. He didn't need a job for those almost three full days in a chair. He was doing what God put him on this earth to do, and that was all that any of us could hope for. We hope for job's that we like, that we were meant to do. We romanticize a job market which only seems to hold nothing, or at least nothing that we will enjoy. Nothing that we were meant to do.
Ten years ago in our position we would have been hapless. We would only have ourselves to blame for being in the position we are. Today however, we are sitting on our chairs, watching sports (the Fiesta Bowl as I type), and hoping that when we get out after sitting here for a world record time, that hopefully our new year will have us feeling more hopeful and less hapless.
Happy New Year everyone. Keep on sitting.
I don't know if there was hope brewing in me, or if I had just enjoyed my hotel room, but I felt different walking around Baltimore on New Year's Day. And then I realized that it was 1 and Alex Pyzik had been sitting in a couch watching sports for two hours. He was competing in the ESPNZone Couch Potato Competition. All he had to do was sit in a chair and watch sports longer than three other individuals and he would win a gluttony of prizes.
Since we've graduated, and I mean a collective 'we', I know only two people that like what they do for a living. Others are fine doing what they are doing but want to move on. They are suffering through their jobs in order to get better ones, or to get grad school paid for. Those of us without real jobs are scrapping by, substitute teaching, working at bars, doing what we can to last out this economy.
But as I enter my fourth month of job hunting I realize that their is little hope. Not much has changed, there still aren't a lot of jobs to be had. Some of my friends are giving up and going back to school.
But as Pyzik was sitting there in that chair, he was sitting there with a part of me. He was the part of me that didn't need a job, didn't need a different way to validate myself, just needed to sit in a chair and watch sports to be famous.
I was rooting for him, but as you can probably guess it's hard to root for a guy sitting in a chair. It's not like rooting for any sports team or person that you can imagine. I couldn't watch him, I couldn't tune into SportsCenter for my 11 pm update. But I could get text messages.
So on the night of the first I went home and recovered from the previous evening. It was around 11 when I got the text that Pyzik was still going. My symbol of hope had lasted 12 hours in the chair so far. He was showing the type of resilience that I would need for the next few months to find a job.
On the night of the second I went to visit my girlfriend and then went out. Pyzik was still sitting in that chair. The next night I went to a birthday party for one of my lovely ladies, and Pyzik was still sitting in that chair. It was two in the morning, and I got the message that he was five hours away from the world record.
That was my boy, five hours from the world record. Five hours later he would set it and win the championship. After that he was hopeless again, Pyzik is a Religious Studies Major, and other than his current job has nothing in the horizon. He jumped back into the big pot with the rest of us. But in the mean time he was a hero.
Which brings me to my original thesis. We as a generation are hopeless, but we are not hapless. We have ability, we just need a job, a way to prove ourselves. We are qualified, if not over qualified for most jobs, but those jobs don't exist. We are not lucky, we are not betting on ourselves. We know the truth, we know the situation, but we don't care.
Pyzik was us, protesting. He didn't need a job for those almost three full days in a chair. He was doing what God put him on this earth to do, and that was all that any of us could hope for. We hope for job's that we like, that we were meant to do. We romanticize a job market which only seems to hold nothing, or at least nothing that we will enjoy. Nothing that we were meant to do.
Ten years ago in our position we would have been hapless. We would only have ourselves to blame for being in the position we are. Today however, we are sitting on our chairs, watching sports (the Fiesta Bowl as I type), and hoping that when we get out after sitting here for a world record time, that hopefully our new year will have us feeling more hopeful and less hapless.
Happy New Year everyone. Keep on sitting.
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